The Answer

So it finally happened. The Bears got a quarterback. His name is Kordell Stewart aka "Slash". Can you sense my excitement?

Now granted I'm a transplant. I only moved to Chicago last summer in hopes of better times and better sports teams. For the most part, so far, I've gotten a little of both. I've discovered there's nothing better outside of living year round in Brazil than Chicago summers. And last year I went to a Cubs game without actually going into Wrigley and had the best time I've ever had at a sporting event while watching the Cubbies get blown out and arguing about why Eminem wasn't anywhere near the best rapper of the time.

So you can sense, I've had nothing to complain about - until now.

I'm from Detroit. Birthplace of motor vehicles, Motown, the assembly line, and cursed sports teams. I've grown accustomed to terrible sports management decisions. Have you seen what the Fords have done to the Lions?

I remember back in high school when the Lions picked up Scott Mitchell from the Dolphins because he was a deemed a superstar waiting in the wings under Marino. Hmmm, I've got a question, Mr. Ford. Marino retired that year - why would Miami give up their future star quarterback? I'll tell you why, because he was a bust and everyone knew it - even my little cousin from Georgia, who was about 10 at the time, called to rub a little dirt in my eyes about the Lion's latest free agency pickup. A 10 year-old knew Mitchell was a wolf in sheep's clothing. I'm of the opinion that the Fords need to stick to building cars, but I'm getting off point.

I know bad free agent pick-ups - that's all I'm saying. And Kordell - he's a bad free agent pickup. Am I excited he's in Chicago? Sure, he's 10 times better than those stiffs he's replacing. Last year's QB situation was appalling. I've seen pro female teams with more talent at quarterback. I remember one game late in November when Miller and Chandler were arguing on the sideline about who was hurt more so neither one had to go back into the game and embarrass himself. All eyes turned to poor Henry Burris, the 3rd string guy. He proceeded to come into the game and throw 9 INTs and fumble 4 snaps. Really, no not really. But that's how I remembered it.

The only quarterback performance that could match this performance was when Ty Detmer threw about 7 INTs in a Lions game and Marty Mornhinweg kept him in the game because, and I quote loosely from the post-game news conference, "He was making some good throws out there today...receivers just weren't making the catches."

What? I watched the game. Actually I cried with laughter throughout the game. The announcers at one point after Ty had thrown about 5 picks and saw Ty reaching for his helmet to come back into the game, said "No, Ty, just fake a leg cramp or something...save yourself."

The only thing more entertaining than that was after the 6th pick, knowing no one was interested in the game any longer, the camera guy took it upon himself to just follow Ty until the Lions got the ball back. There was a turnover or something, and the Lion's offense rushed back onto the field. Ty looked at Marty like a teenage daughter would look at her father if he took her and friends to the mall wearing black knee high socks, flip-flops, and a beer-stained "United We Stand" t-shirt. Marty gave him the old "get in there" and the rest was history...literally. Ty threw the 7th pick and will remain in the history books until some other terrible coach decides to stick by some equally terrible quarterback. Classic TV moments indeed.

So you get my point about Kordell - even though it's been convoluted by a smattering of off-subject quarterback horror stories, he will make you curse this day. I've cried over Eric Hippel. Wept when the Lions took Chuck Long. Tore at my eyes through Andre Ware and Rodney Peete. You know how I feel about Scott Mitchell. And Mike McMahon made my gums hurt. Why I'm not sure - but bad quarterbacks are all I know and Kordell is just going to continue our (I'm a Chicagoan now, get over it) quarterback heartburn.

The Bears, even though they have Slash, need to draft a top quarterback and let him grow. Trade up and get Palmer or Leftwich. If you give them time, they will blossom. And with Kordell there, they don't even need to start right away, but I guarantee 10 games in, after Slash looks more like his name counterpart who played lead guitar for G-n-R, the fans will be calling for the rookie - whoever he may be.

Listen to me now and hear me later - Kordell is the best and worst thing that could have happened to the Bears. Since I have no faith in any management in sports besides Joe Dumars running the Pistons, I will expect nothing from here on out. And to you, Kordell. Good luck, man. I'll be watching. But personally, I haven't seen you make a good throw since '94 against Michigan...you bastard....